Jokes ☺

 ♠ Marriage in heaven

A young catholic couple die in a car crash on their way to get married.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into heaven.
When he shows up, they ask him if they could get married there.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go and find out.
The couple sit and wait.......and wait.......and wait.....
After 3 long months St. Peter finally returns, looking like he's been through absolute hell.
"Yes", he says "you can marry".
"Great!" say the couple. "But what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce?"
St. Peter, red faced with anger, slams his clip-board onto the ground. He shouts -
"It took me 3 months to find a Priest up here!"
"Do you have any idea how long It'll take me to find a lawyer?"

♠ Polite way to pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Excuse me, I need to pee.'
The teacher responded: 'That would be quite impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said: 'I would say "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine,
whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'

♠ Ladies talking in heaven

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How did you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

♠ Old Couple Texting

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was the romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband text back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."